Where I've Been

Things have gone crazy lately.

It's hard to explain. A lot of things are about to change with my job, but I don't know what just yet. The powers that be are purposely being vague, which is terribly aggravating.

As a result of all this uncertainty, I've been internalizing. A lot. I think that's the right word for it, anyway. Every night I contemplate the things to come, and the things I don't know. I have a lot of fear that things are going to fall apart, and a lot of anger at the prospect that I may not be valued enough as an employee to be given the opportunity that I think I deserve.

Of course, everything that I'm fearful and angry about is all in my head, for the moment. I don't actually know what's going to happen, and in some ways, that's worse. If I knew what was going to happen, I could stop speculating and start planning accordingly. I could maybe try to move on with my life instead of wallowing in the events of the past couple of months.

I need a light at the end of the tunnel.

Two.

Someone told me recently that I suck at blogging. Thank you, Captain Obvious! (ETA: SARA!)


My daughter, Ellie, turns 2 in about two weeks. I cannot believe how fast she went from this:

 To this:

Time flies when you're being awesome.

Fortunately, she's just as snuggly and kissable as the day she was born. She is, however, asserting her independence like she's 18. "I do it" is her new favorite phrase.

There is a quote that I think really embodies the person she is now and continues to become:

"Though she be but little, she is fierce!" -- William Shakespeare

Fierce indeed. While I fear the fierceness I see in her may be the death of me in the long run, it's a quality that I absolutely adore about her. I hope she always asserts herself. I want to see her get everything she wants out of life. And I believe, with the fierceness that I see in her, she will achieve whatever she sets out to achieve.

She can count to 20, and almost get all the way through her ABC's. She loves to color and to blow bubbles. She loves shoes. She is happy and healthy. What more could a mother want?

Not much at all. <3

Somebody That I Used To Know

In my life, I've had friends who treated me badly. They weren't true friends. They took advantage of me, they made me feel bad about myself, and they betrayed me. I allowed myself to be manipulated by these people because I didn't understand my own self-worth.

When I first started writing this post, I wrote out a big, long story about M, who was my roommate for about 2 years during college. During the time that we shared a house (I was 19-21 years old), I thought M was so cool. She was older than me, and she seemed to have it all together. We had a huge falling out when M accused me of lying and doing some things that I didn't do, and I learned that throughout the years M had been doing things behind my back that I didn't know about. M had never been a good friend to me, but I'd been just so happy to have an older, cooler friend, that I didn't see it. Hindsight is 20/20.

Recently I learned that M has moved into my neighborhood, which is what spawned this post. Through mutual friends I saw that she'd "checked in" (via facebook) at a restaurant that is located just one block away from my house. For a moment, I reverted back to my 19 year old self and I wanted to contact her, but refrained. I had to remind myself that I am now almost 28 years old, that I am no longer the 19 year old girl who just wanted to be liked. I don't need people in my life who don't appreciate me.

I don't look forward to the day when my daughter loses her first friend. I never want to see her get hurt, even though I know that it will happen eventually. She will learn that some people you're not compatible with, and that some people are just plain toxic. And, she will hopefully learn that she is too special, too lovely, too good to be brought down by the people around her. She is too precious to let others walk all over her. I hope that's something she figures out before she's 28.

Like a drifter, I was born to walk alone...

Thanks for the title inspiration, Sara & AB.

I am not nearly as cheery today as I was yesterday. Consider this your warning.

I work in sales. As anyone who has ever worked in sales at any point in their life can tell you, it is a very frustrating experience. Especially when sales are down. Which, they are.

Sales have been down for all of 2012 so far. It's really frustrating because 2011 was a really strong year. I was bringing in large commission checks and even a few unexpected bonuses. We got used to having the extra money, and we spent like we were used to having the extra money.

And now, the extra isn't rolling in anymore. For the last three months, we've been able to pay the bills and put food on the table, but that's it. Using credit cards has come into play more often, which has resulted in an amount of debt that some might consider insignificant, but it makes me nauseous to even think about it.

Right now, we have a plan in place to do some shuffling around of debt in order to make things a little easier on us, and to avoid paying ridiculous amounts of interest. But the fact of the matter is that in order for it to work, we're going to have to revert back to our former lifestyle.

Which is, to say, a simple one. Strict budgets. No shopping trips on the weekends. No buying anything that isn't a necessity, really. Very little, if any, meals out. (which we LOVE so this is very sad.) Cutting back on existing expenses to make room in the budget. Cracking down.

It's going to suck, but it must be done. I know in the long run I will be glad that we cracked down and took care of this issue before it became uncontrollable. But for right now? I feel defeated. I feel like I've failed my family. I fear that I won't be able to give my little girl the worry-free childhood that I want her to have.

My husband is optimistic about our situation. He is capable of looking past the right-now and seeing that it will not take long before we're back on our feet. I wish I could be as optimistic as he is.

I just had to get that out.

Here It Goes Again.

This is my third (maybe fourth) attempt at a blog, and it will be my last. Must stick with it this time!

I always liked the idea of blogging because I think everyone should have a creative outlet. Whether it's writing, playing music or singing, drawing or painting, decorating your home, or whatever gives you a release, I think it's a very necessary thing to have that in your life. It's something that I've not had for a while, and that I desperately need.

I also like the idea of blogging because it's free. And these days? I need to be saving as many pennies as I can.

As you may have gathered from the title I've chosen, I live in Arkansas. An often overlooked but very beautiful state, Arkansas has a lot to offer. Lush, green landscapes, rolling hills, glistening lakes and rivers, breathtaking waterfalls. If you don't believe me, just take a look at this:

They don't call it the Natural State for nothin'.

Okay, I know, that's my cute family. But LOOK AT THE TREES! PRETTY!

I wouldn't say we live in a "small town". It small by comparison, I suppose, but we do have plenty of Starbucks and traffic lights. There's lots to see and do here. I think it's a great place to live.

The little pumpkin in the photo above explains how I got the Momma part of the blog title. That's E. She's almost 2 and she's pretty awesome. You will hear much about her, I assure you.

The dude in the photo is my husband G. He's probably going to be piiiiiiissed that I put his picture on the interwebs.

I plan to use this space to talk about whatever I feel like talking about. There is no theme. Despite the name, this is not a mommyblog. I'll say whatever I feel like saying. If you want to read it? have at it. If you don't? That's fine too.

Nice to meet you.